How to Give a Eulogy

   Last week we had a funeral of a church member, a deacon, a nice guy.  It was a good service.  I always ask the family to participate and a nephew stepped up to give a wonderful eulogy.  He told me that he really didn’t know how to do what he’d volunteered for.  He looked it up and found no basic guidelines for lifting up the memories of a loved one.  He did a fine job, but his comment started me thinking.  I’ve done this for more people than I would know how to count.  I know how.  Sooooo…  I figured I’d share some of this expertise with those of you who happen to read my ‘Back Pages.’  I’ll serialize it.  If any of you have questions, just drop them into the comment section and I’ll do my best to answer them.  As I tell my students, ‘The only dumb question is the one that doesn’t get asked.’  Share your questions and help the others that are trying to learn.

  

I.                    What is the purpose of a funeral?

   This is a very common question that doesn’t get asked and most folks don’t have a clue why we go through this whole thing.  ‘It’s what should be done.’  That’s means nothing.  That’s another way to say, ‘I’m following the mob.’  Lemmings use that for population control, but we ought to have better reasons for what we do. 

   A funeral is for the living, not for the dead.  They don’t need this, they’ve moved on.  We have this structured moment to give us a chance to gather together and grieve together.  Grief is a process.  Grief that is shared works better.  The structure of a funeral gives us a chance to share our grief, to speak about the one who has died.  To cry.  To laugh.  To remember.  To celebrate their life.  And to validate the relationships that we have, family, friends, community, so that we can realize this person’s death is not something to be bourn alone.  We celebrate birth by getting the bunch together.  We celebrate weddings by getting the bunch together.  We celebrate death by getting the bunch together.  Death is weird.  It’s creepy.  It’s scary.  It’s sad.  A funeral can, and I emphasize can, help with all of that. 

   We need to be honest and down to earth about the person who has died, and share as much as we can, rather than be a spectator to some sort of set piece.  We also need some structure to keep the whole thing from wallowing in all of the above issues. 

Next time we’ll get into a funeral based in a faith structure.