How to Write a Eulogy III

When you’re speaking at a funeral, it’s not important to make any sort of list of the accomplishments of the person who has died. Such lists are part of the articles recorded in the newspaper. Other than being redundant, any such list is almost useless in allowing the person’s person to live in the memories of the people there. People remember small bits and pieces of a person, not what they’ve accomplished. Rather than the job, we remember how they worked. Rather than their leadership, we remember their smile, their forgiveness, their faithfulness, the way they played the piano with their eyes closed.

If I knew the person well, I try to remember something specific about them, the way they laughed, the way they loved to dig in the garden, they way they loved to go to flea markets. I call that a hook. I describe that specificity let it live in the midst of the people and let them remember the person digging in the dirt or bringing home an old chair, and I speak about how that was part of their persona. They loved to nurture things, to help things grow. They loved to see in things that were discarded, the possibility of treasure. Each person’s life is a story. Our job in that moment is to remind people of a moment in that story so the person’s tears and laughter can be heard and shared.

I try to not repeat what others are going to bring up, or at least if it is the Yankees or the beach, I try to take in toward another tangent. I try to get folks who are planning to speak to talk to each other before they do so. Editing can go a long way toward helping the occasion to work.

If I didn’t know the person, I talk to the family ahead of time. I ask them what was the person’s favorite season and why. What was their favorite room in the house? What kind of music did they like? Did they like to travel and where? I ask them to name one moment that comes to mind when they think of them. By that time they are usually crying or laughing or both. They are talking to each other about their lost loved one. It’s a good place to begin building a eulogy.